I hate winter, it always drives me crazy, and yet it fits in with how I feel; cold, dark, hard, isolated, frozen.
I feel lonely a lot.
I am questioning all of my friendships. I yearn for a close female friendship, one where I don't feel like I am the one doing all the work, one where I don't feel like it's a pity friendship, one where I really know that person actually wants to hang out with me. But to be honest with you, a lot of the time I don't like myself. I am constantly questioning why anyone would actually be friends with me, it's not like I am a happy person very often and who wants to be around someone who is so depressing?
My husband is going away for 4 days this coming weekend. It's totally freaking me out. I feel like I'm being such a child, but the thought of it just being myself and my son fills me with anxiety. I thought I had covered all my bases, I had made plans with someone to make sure I wasn't alone the whole time, but now I don't know if I'll even see her at all this weekend. I feel let down.
I'm not good at dealing with situations like this. I have no idea how I would try and approach this person to let them know that I am disappointed and frustrated, without it becoming more than it needs to be.
I just so badly want to run home, and when I say run home I mean get on a plane and fly home. But ultimately that's not going to help, my depression, stress and anxiety would just get on the plane with me.
I get very frustrated with myself. I hate what my child has to witness. But I am drained, I have no more energy in myself to get through the day without the tears. How ridiculous does that sound!
Praise the Lord that I enjoying reading, at least I get some respite when I read, my brain doesn't have to go over and over and over everything.
