Summer is my best time of year. I am definitely more positive with the warmer, longer days. And I've been trying to be more active too, more walks, more play dates.
Recently I've been trying to accept situations instead of dwelling on them or getting mad about them. And to just accept my friendships the way they are.
Life is calm right now.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Snowing
I hate winter, it always drives me crazy, and yet it fits in with how I feel; cold, dark, hard, isolated, frozen.
I feel lonely a lot.
I am questioning all of my friendships. I yearn for a close female friendship, one where I don't feel like I am the one doing all the work, one where I don't feel like it's a pity friendship, one where I really know that person actually wants to hang out with me. But to be honest with you, a lot of the time I don't like myself. I am constantly questioning why anyone would actually be friends with me, it's not like I am a happy person very often and who wants to be around someone who is so depressing?
My husband is going away for 4 days this coming weekend. It's totally freaking me out. I feel like I'm being such a child, but the thought of it just being myself and my son fills me with anxiety. I thought I had covered all my bases, I had made plans with someone to make sure I wasn't alone the whole time, but now I don't know if I'll even see her at all this weekend. I feel let down.
I'm not good at dealing with situations like this. I have no idea how I would try and approach this person to let them know that I am disappointed and frustrated, without it becoming more than it needs to be.
I just so badly want to run home, and when I say run home I mean get on a plane and fly home. But ultimately that's not going to help, my depression, stress and anxiety would just get on the plane with me.
I get very frustrated with myself. I hate what my child has to witness. But I am drained, I have no more energy in myself to get through the day without the tears. How ridiculous does that sound!
Praise the Lord that I enjoying reading, at least I get some respite when I read, my brain doesn't have to go over and over and over everything.
I feel lonely a lot.
I am questioning all of my friendships. I yearn for a close female friendship, one where I don't feel like I am the one doing all the work, one where I don't feel like it's a pity friendship, one where I really know that person actually wants to hang out with me. But to be honest with you, a lot of the time I don't like myself. I am constantly questioning why anyone would actually be friends with me, it's not like I am a happy person very often and who wants to be around someone who is so depressing?
My husband is going away for 4 days this coming weekend. It's totally freaking me out. I feel like I'm being such a child, but the thought of it just being myself and my son fills me with anxiety. I thought I had covered all my bases, I had made plans with someone to make sure I wasn't alone the whole time, but now I don't know if I'll even see her at all this weekend. I feel let down.
I'm not good at dealing with situations like this. I have no idea how I would try and approach this person to let them know that I am disappointed and frustrated, without it becoming more than it needs to be.
I just so badly want to run home, and when I say run home I mean get on a plane and fly home. But ultimately that's not going to help, my depression, stress and anxiety would just get on the plane with me.
I get very frustrated with myself. I hate what my child has to witness. But I am drained, I have no more energy in myself to get through the day without the tears. How ridiculous does that sound!
Praise the Lord that I enjoying reading, at least I get some respite when I read, my brain doesn't have to go over and over and over everything.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Trying
Well, as you can tell, I'm not that great at being a regular blogger.
The last week has been hard. Tuesday I could barely get my butt in to the shower, or talk to anyone. And I am finding it really hard to actually explain this to anyone.
So I am gritting my teeth, clinging to God and trying to just make it through the next minute.
The last week has been hard. Tuesday I could barely get my butt in to the shower, or talk to anyone. And I am finding it really hard to actually explain this to anyone.
So I am gritting my teeth, clinging to God and trying to just make it through the next minute.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Life
I'm not managing so well right now, stress levels high, easily irritated, very emotional and exhausted.... you can always tell when I've forgotten to take my meds.
I've been invited to be part of group at my church, for people living with depression. I am looking forward to being a part of it, hopefully it will be a great help and support. One of the options is that we can bring a spouse or friend with us to the group, which is a great idea but has increased my feeling of isolation as L won't be able to come with me (there's no way we can find a babysitter), and I can't think of one person that I could ask who would be able to do this with me.
I'm looking forward to being in the office this afternoon, it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have no idea what I will be doing, probably getting stuff ready for the banquet. I really want to promote my friends new album with the guys at work, it would be great if they liked it and we could invite GD to come out here to get them some more exposure.
I'm thinking of resigning from the condo board, I just don't feel like I can give enough time or energy to it. Half the time I have no idea what they are talking about to be honest. And it would be one less thing to stress about.
BSF is tomorrow morning, I really need to get in to some kind of routine to do my bible study during the week in preparation. I really enjoyed last weeks, the over view of Isaiah was so interesting! I am eager about looking in depth in to the book, and really getting to grips with the message. What really excites me is the prophesy aspect of it, what has come true, how it all has played out, how it effects us as a church. The prophesy concerning Jesus thrills me.
'It's the simple things that satisfy, keep my feet on the ground and my head in the sky, I love you more than I can say and I won't change my mind on the choices I made' Deliriou5?
I've been invited to be part of group at my church, for people living with depression. I am looking forward to being a part of it, hopefully it will be a great help and support. One of the options is that we can bring a spouse or friend with us to the group, which is a great idea but has increased my feeling of isolation as L won't be able to come with me (there's no way we can find a babysitter), and I can't think of one person that I could ask who would be able to do this with me.
I'm looking forward to being in the office this afternoon, it makes me smile just thinking about it. I have no idea what I will be doing, probably getting stuff ready for the banquet. I really want to promote my friends new album with the guys at work, it would be great if they liked it and we could invite GD to come out here to get them some more exposure.
I'm thinking of resigning from the condo board, I just don't feel like I can give enough time or energy to it. Half the time I have no idea what they are talking about to be honest. And it would be one less thing to stress about.
BSF is tomorrow morning, I really need to get in to some kind of routine to do my bible study during the week in preparation. I really enjoyed last weeks, the over view of Isaiah was so interesting! I am eager about looking in depth in to the book, and really getting to grips with the message. What really excites me is the prophesy aspect of it, what has come true, how it all has played out, how it effects us as a church. The prophesy concerning Jesus thrills me.
'It's the simple things that satisfy, keep my feet on the ground and my head in the sky, I love you more than I can say and I won't change my mind on the choices I made' Deliriou5?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Grief
It's almost 12 years since my step-dad died, and I find myself still grieving. I miss him, and I find it hard to talk about it with anyone. I find it hard talking about him with people who never knew him, and those who did are a long way away.
I've been feeling very lonely recently too. I can be in a room crowded with friends, even extremely close friends, and still feel on the outside. The odd one out. I will be at home with my husband and son, and still feel lonely.
I am grateful that I have Jesus, I am grateful that God loves me. I know that if it weren't for my faith I probably wouldn't even be here anymore. Sad but true.
I have a heavy heart today. And feel weepy. I feel extremely stupid feeling all those things when I am so blessed, and others have so many more issues to deal with than me.
I've been feeling very lonely recently too. I can be in a room crowded with friends, even extremely close friends, and still feel on the outside. The odd one out. I will be at home with my husband and son, and still feel lonely.
I am grateful that I have Jesus, I am grateful that God loves me. I know that if it weren't for my faith I probably wouldn't even be here anymore. Sad but true.
I have a heavy heart today. And feel weepy. I feel extremely stupid feeling all those things when I am so blessed, and others have so many more issues to deal with than me.
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